But how do I know, thought I, that even these bruises and maims that I
have gotten, while I pursued only the laudable escape I had meditated,
may not kindly have furnished me with the opportunity I am now tempted
with to precipitate myself, and of surrendering up my life, spotless and
unguilty, to that merciful Being who gave it!
Then, thought I, who gave thee, presumptuous as thou art, a power over
thy life? Who authorised thee to put an end to it, when the weakness of
thy mind suggests not to thee a way to preserve it with honour? How
knowest thou what purposes God may have to serve, by the trials with
which thou art now exercised? Art thou to put a bound to the divine
will, and to say, Thus much will I bear, and no more? And wilt thou dare
to say, That if the trial be augmented and continued, thou wilt sooner
die than bear it?
This act of despondency, thought I, is a sin, that, if I pursue it,
admits of no repentance, and can therefore hope no forgiveness.--And wilt
thou, to shorten thy transitory griefs, heavy as they are, and weak as
thou fanciest thyself, plunge both body and soul into everlasting misery!
Hitherto, Pamela, thought I, thou art the innocent, the suffering Pamela;
and wilt thou, to avoid thy sufferings, be the guilty aggressor? And,
because wicked men persecute thee, wilt thou fly in the face of the
Almighty, and distrust his grace and goodness, who can still turn all
these sufferings to benefits? And how do I know, but that God, who sees
all the lurking vileness of my heart, may have permitted these sufferings
on that very score, and to make me rely solely on his grace and
assistance, who, perhaps, have too much prided myself in a vain
dependence on my own foolish contrivances?
Then, again, thought I, wilt thou suffer in one moment all the good
lessons of thy poor honest parents, and the benefit of their example,
(who have persisted in doing their duty with resignation to the divine
will, amidst the extreme degrees of disappointment, poverty, and
distress, and the persecutions of an ungrateful world, and merciless
creditors,) to be thrown away upon thee: and bring down, as in all
probability this thy rashness will, their grey hairs with sorrow to the
grave, when they shall understand, that their beloved daughter, slighting
the tenders of divine grace, despairing of the mercies of a protecting
God, has blemished, in this last act, a whole life, which they had
hitherto approved and delighted in?
What then, presumptuous Pamela, dost thou here? thought I: Quit with
speed these perilous banks, and fly from these curling waters, that seem,
in their meaning murmurs, this still night, to reproach thy rashness!
Tempt not God's goodness on the mossy banks, that have been witnesses of
thy guilty purpose: and while thou hast power left thee, avoid the
tempting evil, lest thy grand enemy, now repulsed by divine grace, and
due reflection, return to the assault with a force that thy weakness may
not be able to resist! and let one rash moment destroy all the
convictions, which now have awed thy rebellious mind into duty and
resignation to the divine will!
And so saying, I arose; but was so stiff with my hurts, so cold with the
moist dew of the night, and the wet grass on which I had sat, as also
with the damps arising from so large a piece of water, that with great
pain I got from this pond, which now I think of with terror; and bending
my limping steps towards the house, took refuge in the corner of an
outhouse, where wood and coals are laid up for family use, till I should
be found by my cruel keepers, and consigned to a more wretched
confinement, and worse usage than I had hitherto experienced; and there
behind a pile of firewood I crept, and lay down, as you may imagine, with
a mind just broken, and a heart sensible to nothing but the extremest woe
and dejection.
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