But, at present, I am
really sincere in what I say: And I expect you will be so too; and answer
directly my question.
I find, sir, said I, I know not myself; and your question is of such a
nature, that I only want to tell you what I heard, and to have your kind
answer to it; or else, what I have to say to your question, may pave the
way to my ruin, and shew a weakness that I did not believe was in me.
Well, said he, you may say what you have overheard; for, in not answering
me directly, you put my soul upon the rack; and half the trouble I have
had with you would have brought to my arms one of the finest ladies in
England.
O sir, said I, my virtue is as dear to me, as if I was of the highest
quality; and my doubts (for which you know I have had too much reason)
have made me troublesome. But now, sir, I will tell you what I heard,
which has given me great uneasiness.
You talked to Mrs. Jewkes of having begun wrong with me, in trying to
subdue me with terror, and of frost, and such like--You remember it
well:--And that you would, for the future, change your conduct, and try
to melt me, that was your word, by kindness.
I fear not, sir, the grace of God supporting me, that any acts of
kindness would make me forget what I owe to my virtue: but, sir, I may, I
find, be made more miserable by such acts, than by terror; because my
nature is too frank and open to make me wish to be ungrateful: and if I
should be taught a lesson I never yet learnt, with what regret should I
descend to the grave, to think that I could not hate my undoer: and that,
at the last great day, I must stand up as an accuser of the poor unhappy
soul, that I could wish it in my power to save!
Exalted girl! said he, what a thought is that!--Why, now, Pamela, you
excel yourself! You have given me a hint that will hold me long.
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