You need not be afraid, at this rate, of trusting yourself with me:
but it is I that ought to be doubtful of myself, when I am with you.--But
before I say any thing farther on this subject, I will take my proud
heart to task; and, till then, let every thing be as if this conversation
had never passed. Only, let me tell you, that the more confidence you
place in me, the more you'll oblige me: but your doubts will only beget
cause of doubts. And with this ambiguous saying, he saluted me with a
more formal manner, if I may so say, than before, and lent me his hand;
and so we walked toward the house, side by side, he seeming very
thoughtful and pensive, as if he had already repented him of his
goodness.
What shall I do, what steps take, if all this be designing--O the
perplexities of these cruel doubtings!--To be sure, if he be false, as I
may call it, I have gone too far, much too far!--I am ready, on the
apprehension of this, to bite my forward tongue (or rather to beat my
more forward heart, that dictated to that poor machine) for what I have
said. But sure, at least, he must be sincere for the time!--He could not
be such a practised dissembler!--If he could, O how desperately wicked is
the heart of man!--And where could he learn all these barbarous arts?--If
so, it must be native surely to the sex!--But, silent be my rash
censurings; be hushed, ye stormy tumults of my disturbed mind! for have I
not a father who is a man?--A man who knows no guile! who would do no
wrong!--who would not deceive or oppress, to gain a kingdom!--How then
can I think it is native to the sex? And I must also hope my good lady's
son cannot be the worst of men!--If he is, hard the lot of the excellent
woman that bore him!--But much harder the hap of your poor Pamela, who
has fallen into such hands!--But yet I will trust in God, and hope the
best: and so lay down my tired pen for this time.
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