The Baby never had any Tantrums at Night because he had overheard
them say that it cost $2 every time Doc was called in. He would lie
quietly in his Crib for Hours at a time looking up at the Ceiling and
computing Compound Interest on the $5 Gold Piece that had been put in
the Bank, to be drawn out when he should be 21.
His Parents gave him a Biblical Name so so as to make him a strong
Come-On for Investors who belong to the Pious Element. Hezekiah Hooper
is what they christened him. They wanted a Name that would carry
weight on a Letter-Head and reassure the Soft Mark who was about to
sink his Funds in a Mining Venture with a Guarantee of 48 per cent.
Dividends.
At the age of 4 Hezekiah sat down and figured that if he devoted his
Life to Physical Toil, he might some day be the Owner of a six-room
cottage fully protected by a Mortgage, whereas if he wore a White
Shirt and kept busy with the Pencil, he might be Rich enough some
day to land in the Senate. So he went out looking for Work to hand to
other People, thus becoming what the Campaign Orator calls a Captain
of Industry.
If a man wanted the Weeds pulled from his Garden, then Hez would take
the Job for 25 cents. He would buy 5 cents worth of Stick Candy and
place it judiciously, so that at Nightfall the other boys would have
Blisters and the Stomach-Ache, while Hez would have 20 cents salted
away in the Tin Bank.
When he was still a Young Man he made the Important Discovery that
the honest Laborer who digs Post-Holes for 11 Hours at a Stretch gets
$1.
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