But all these thoughts added sorrow,
grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was
killing to me. If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing
to me; if I thought of how I was fallen myself, that was killing to
me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to
them that were the called, according to His purpose, so I thought
that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal
overthrow.
158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas,
that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which
in truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ
from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition
is my soul in! And by considering, I found that Judas did this
intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings:
besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a
fearful hurry, on a sudden: all this while I was tossed to and fro
like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always
the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and the dreadful
consequences thereof.
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